I live with depression every day. Some days are better than others. Some days I can see the good in this world, and some days, it’s all I can do to even brush my own teeth. It’s something I’ve learned to accept. I take medication, I exercise, I’ve been prioritizing my sleep. Most importantly, I’ve been prioritizing things that bring me peace.

Shortly before Christmas, I was feeling restless and trapped. Some things were happening that I didn’t have control over, and I just wanted to escape. I couldn’t, though. Not at that time, anyways.

Knowing that I couldn’t leave town, and knowing that I couldn’t stay, I did something I’ve never done before… I booked a night at a hotel, just five minutes from my house.

I felt guilty about spending the money, knowing my bedroom was just five minutes away, but I also know that I needed a break.

I went to a hotel that was five minutes from my house, and I just did what I wanted. I spent the night in a giant king-sized bed with the most divine pillows, and I watched movies on the giant tv. I ordered snacks, and I had them delivered. I paid way too much for those, too. But I wanted them, and so I got them. I even briefly visited the hotel gym for a 30 min walk on the treadmill. It was so close to Christmas that the gym was empty… it was kind of nice.

I face-timed some friends, wrote some posts for my blog, and I did some work (not too much, though). It was quiet and peaceful. Mostly, I just was lazy. I treated myself to a relaxing evening and didn’t let anyone know where I was. It felt really damn good.

The next morning, I woke up and went downstairs for the hotel breakfast. I didn’t eat much, but I do remember they had exceptional coffee. The hotel lobby had an array of Nespresso machines, and I do love Nespresso coffee. After breakfast, I went and sat in the hotel hot-tub, and later took a long, relaxing shower under the rainfall showerhead, in one of the most luxurious hotel bathrooms I’ve ever seen.

Checkout was at 11 am, and I called and asked if I could get a late checkout, and they agreed to let me stay until noon. So, I just lounged around and watched television until 11:55, when I checked out of the hotel and rejoined reality.

For a night, though, I had what I needed – peace and quiet. I did what I wanted, ate what I wanted, watched what I wanted, and I didn’t have to answer to anyone. It was what I needed.

To this day, I still feel guilty for spending that money. I know it was what I needed, though. I needed to do something for me. I spend so much of my life trying to make other people happy (trying to overcompensate for my depression) that I often forget about myself. Doing something for me felt really good.

I share this because I know there are people who read this blog who also deal with depression. While it might not be something in everyone’s budget, to run away to a hotel and spend the night alone, I just wanted to say that sometimes, just the act of doing something for yourself can help a lot. It doesn’t have to be a hotel stay. Although, if you do have the budget for it, I highly recommend it. If you don’t have the budget for it, try to find something that you can do for yourself. Something that makes you happy, and gives you space, peace or quiet. If you’re anything like me, it can be extremely difficult to spend money unnecessarily. As much as you might feel guilty about spending the money, I strongly encourage you to do it anyway. Do something for yourself. Whether it’s $20, $200 or $2,000. Keep it within your budget, and do something for yourself. You deserve it.

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